I used to torture myself for feeling guilty every time I feel like I'm not trying hard enough in social situations. Every time my friends and I would go out to meet some people and/or attend a party/concert, I’m always usually the quiet one. I would engage into talking for quite some time and then I’d get tired and will suddenly feel out of place. I mean, I don't mind but there are times when I would feel anxious and prefer to just go home and watch my favorite series, read books, or just basically lie down on my bed and think about stuff (eg. where will I be in the next 10 years).
I remember that one time I went to a bar with my friends to hangout, and they were talking and planning about going to a club to meet people and just basically have fun. It sounded like a good idea to me but deep inside I felt uneasy. Deep down this plan sounded like death to me, and despite assuring myself I still felt like I was just being a killjoy.
Being the least talkative in our group, gossiping and talking for a period of time could really drain the shit out of me. While conversing with the great people it takes a lot of my energy that I seriously need to rest and reflect alone for awhile to recover. I don’t like gossiping that much especially if it's about something that doesn't tickle my fancy or a conversation I wouldn't benefit anything from. I just really don’t care. It’s amazing most people can do this. How much they get along with other people right away and doesn't feel awkward and dead 90% of the time. I was actually jealous of this special power they possess. I worry that they might think I isolate myself from them or that I don’t value our friendship (god, I hope they don’t) as much as they do or, you know, that I'm a hermit who just really want the company of her bed every time I choose to not go out with them.
Up until now, I still worry that maybe something’s wrong with me and that I don’t give that much effort in trying. But little by little, I get to realized that maybe I just really like being alone. And the more I think about it, the more I start to realize that maybe this isn't a bad thing after all. We all find comfort in different things and mine just happened to be with the company of myself. And I like it. I like the fact that I’m comfortable with just being by myself. That I could go out alone and not make a big deal out of it, roam around the mall all by myself, and buy food without having to ask someone to accompany me all the time. And I hereby quote Hazel Cills: ”There are advantages to feeling like you don’t need to be around people, but instead choose to be around them.”. I’ve never admitted this before but now I can finally say that I’m the happiest when I’m alone. So, if you’re ever feeling bad about not wanting anyone’s company most of the time, let me tell you this: It’s okay. It’s okay to be alone. It's okay to admit that you feel the happiest when you're by yourself.
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