I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII

-----------------------------

This is my most favorite poem. I read it every time I feel like jumping off a cliff.

nineteen

Hello. I haven't written anything here in awhile. I just had the most stressful semester yet so I am spending my Christmas break doing nothing but watching french films and anime. I have more than 30+ books and series to catch-up on, no big deal. This year went by so fast. I turned nineteen a few days ago and I feel nothing which I think is totally normal for someone who doesn't care about birthdays that much. I will never get used to receiving birthday messages from people, especially the ones I barely know telling me to have a good day and a good life etc. Despite this, I appreciate all of them for taking the time to let me know that they know I was born that day. It feels nice to know that some people still care, you know. All my birthdays are quite terrible, though. Drama arises at the end of the day every. time.

Birthdays are weird.

 I have an entry to submit to an online magazine and the deadline is on the 30th. Uhhh so basically I only have 3 days left to do it or I am dead. I hate cramming and procrastinating but those are the things I am very good at (No, I am not proud of it). Anyway, today (it's past 12 midnight so) is going to be good for Ella and I are going to jog in the afternoon and hopefully eat at the Shawarma place near their house. I've listed some things to buy for my DIY projects so I'm gonna have to wake up early to buy them at the public market before actually heading at Ella's place. I'm also planning to raid some thrift stores while I'm there. Hopefully I get to find some good stuff.

It is time to hit the sack but I'll read a few chapters from Not That Kind of Girl first. Goodnight. 

Learn From The Pope of Trash

If there's anyone I would take an advice from, it would definitely be John Waters. 

Yes, see a fucked up movie a.k.a. spend a day and watch all of his films. Actually, no. I don't recommend watching his filmography in just one sitting but if you can handle the fucked-upness then go on, my friend.

On reading: 

“It wasn’t until I started reading and found books they wouldn’t let us read in school that I discovered you could be insane and happy and have a good life without being like everybody else.”

—  John Waters 

“You should never read just for ‘enjoyment.’ Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends’ insane behavior, or better yet, your own. Pick “hard books.” Ones you have to concentrate on while reading. And for god’s sake, don’t let me ever hear you say, ‘I can’t read fiction. I only have time for the truth.’ Fiction is the truth, fool! Ever hear of ‘literature’? That means fiction, too, stupid.”

—  John Waters, Role Models

"If you go home with someone, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ‘em!" - John Waters

and lastly,

"Cheer up. You never know — maybe something awful will happen tomorrow."

I Like Being Alone

I used to torture myself for feeling guilty every time I feel like I'm not trying hard enough in social situations. Every time my friends and I would go out to meet some people and/or attend a party/concert, I’m always usually the quiet one. I would engage into talking for quite some time and then I’d get tired and will suddenly feel out of place. I mean, I don't mind but there are times when I would feel anxious and prefer to just go home and watch my favorite series, read books, or just basically lie down on my bed and think about stuff (eg. where will I be in the next 10 years).

I remember that one time I went to a bar with my friends to hangout, and they were talking and planning about going to a club to meet people and just basically have fun. It sounded like a good idea to me but deep inside I felt uneasy. Deep down this plan sounded like death to me, and despite assuring myself I still felt like I was just being a killjoy.

Being the least talkative in our group, gossiping and talking for a period of time could really drain the shit out of me. While conversing with the great people it takes a lot of my energy that I seriously need to rest and reflect alone for awhile to recover. I don’t like gossiping that much especially if it's about something that doesn't tickle my fancy or a conversation I wouldn't benefit anything from. I just really don’t care. It’s amazing most people can do this. How much they get along with other people right away and doesn't feel awkward and dead 90% of the time. I was actually jealous of this special power they possess. I worry that they might think I isolate myself from them or that I don’t value our friendship (god, I hope they don’t) as much as they do or, you know, that I'm a hermit who just really want the company of her bed every time I choose to not go out with them.

Up until now, I still worry that maybe something’s wrong with me and that I don’t give that much effort in trying. But little by little, I get to realized that maybe I just really like being alone. And the more I think about it, the more I start to realize that maybe this isn't a bad thing after all. We all find comfort in different things and mine just happened to be with the company of myself. And I like it. I like the fact that I’m comfortable with just being by myself. That I could go out alone and not make a big deal out of it, roam around the mall all by myself, and buy food without having to ask someone to accompany me all the time. And I hereby quote Hazel Cills: ”There are advantages to feeling like you don’t need to be around people, but instead choose to be around them.”. I’ve never admitted this before but now I can finally say that I’m the happiest when I’m alone. So, if you’re ever feeling bad about not wanting anyone’s company most of the time, let me tell you this: It’s okay. It’s okay to be alone. It's okay to admit that you feel the happiest when you're by yourself. 

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Burn, Witch, Burn! | Part 2

© Denisse Dumpit

Burn, Witch, Burn! | Part 1

© Denisse Dumpit

 

Our professor in Literary Criticism was in the middle of discussing something about Plato when I received a tiny piece of paper from Denisse, asking if we could do a photo shoot. As I am a big fan of anything that has something to do with art (which is basically anything if you try hard enough??? lol), I gladly said yes. 

We decided to have a AHS: Coven themed photo shoot because of the following reasons:

• Who doesn't love AHS: Coven??!?
• The more black clothes you wear, the more powerful you are
• Who doesn't want to be a witch for a day? I had the chance and I grabbed it.

We can't think of any other place to shoot and settled on some random places in our condominium instead. Fire exits, stairs, the rooftop, basically anywhere we could lean on. Everyone had a great time that we decided to do this every once in awhile!!

Denisse was a really good photographer and the results were wonderful. I've yet to practice on my modelling skills (Oh, wow, Myra, one photo shoot and you now claim yourself as a model) as I look horrible and awkward in some of the photos. We weren't able to plan this photo shoot very well hence, forgetting the most vital props for a Coven themed photo shoot: A floppy hat. A. freaking. floppy hat. I know, I know. Which is why we made it a point to not forget anything on our next photo shoot. Despite the lack of props and skills, I really had a great time. 

2014

2014. New year, different me.